Happy Birthday

Everyone enjoys a good excuse to stop doing work for long periods of time. For some that excuse is often to sleep off a hangover in the back seat of a car. But for the less cynical, those excuses are often limited to awkward socialization with co-workers, usually to celebrate someone's retirement or birthday, the latter of which I find unbearable. Where I work these gatherings are with people who are on the same "team" but who don't necessarily ever see each other or have the need to speak.

Birthdays at the office are forced and awkward. They exist under the principle that if one person's birthday is celebrated so too should we celebrate everyone's. In my experience each team of people chooses a designated Happy Person who spruces up a word document with clipart balloons with everyone's birthday listed on it. Happy Person's job is to buy a birthday card and cheap cake whenever another birthday rolls around. Secretly we all sign our names on the card and think of a witty way to say Happy Birthday. I usually just write Happy B-Day, then sign my name. woo hoo. The birthday boy or girl knows the cake is coming, because after all, it's their fucking birthday and hey, Janice in accounting got a cake so why shouldn't you. I'd much rather be celebrated by being allowed to go home or with a celebratory round of Jameson shots for all, especially the people who don't want one. Yea, especially them. The department has "allowed" for 15 minutes of non-job related activity to eat cake and then return to work, never to talk to your co-workers until the next birthday.

During my first year my birthday was missed. They later surprised me with an ice cream cake 3 months later, but the damage was done. I didn't care when they forgot about me. I didn't. Really. You don't believe me? Jerks.