Sports Talk Rules

During the Eagles' Super Bowl campaign of 2004 I discovered sports talk radio. I was drawn to it because a team I rooted for was close to winning a championship for the first time since 1993, and I wanted to feel like I was sharing the experience with other fans even though I was living at college with fans of other teams from Boston and New York. I continue to listen even today, but with far less enthusiasm and with a disposition that makes me much more likely to shut it off mid-call or shout obscenities at callers. Here are some things that callers do that make me cringe:

1. Talking about their own sports career - I have a feeling that Brian Westbrook's concussion isn't anything like the one you suffered playing pee wee football in the 4th grade. There's just no way any civilian's own meager sports career should ever come up in the context of comparison when discussing professional sports. It's embarrassing.

2. Making bets with the host - This is only okay if it's invited by the host, which of course it rarely is. But rest assured people do this all the time.

3. Bringing up "money" and "greed" - This may annoy others less than it does me, but I feel as though part of the deal of being a fan of any professional sports team is that in exchange for your entertainment you have to allow yourself to be forced into the conceit that athletes make millions of dollars and don't care about you or your city. Calling a sports talk show to complain that athletes make too much money is a sign that maybe you should just stop...you know, being a fan.

These last two are similar:

4. Telling the host "hey, I'm the guy..." - About that time you guys ran into each at a book signing in 1998. This unabashed man love and need to be personally recognized--by a sports talk host--is truly embarrassing.

5. Asking the guest if he remembers something - In this example the guest is usually an athlete or coach. Last Thursday I heard a guy ask Larry Bowa if he remembered a posterboard sign that he made during the 1980 World Series. This kind of--again--need to be personally recognized by people is just something I'll never understand. Sorry dude, Larry meant to remember that sign, but when he looked for a pen to jot it down while he was in the dugout during the WORLD SERIES he couldn't find one so he continued on LIVING HIS LIFE.