Story Time:Lax Bros

Warning: This story contains sweeping generalizations.

Lacrosse is a sport rich white people invented* to feel good about their athleticism when they realized their success in real sports like basketball and football was starting to decrease. As such, it attracts all kinds of guys who couldn't hack it in other sports but desperately need a sport to obsess over and pretend to excel in, though nobody outside of their small legion of lacrosse buddies will ever care. These guys are "lax bros," and they are a special breed. I admit all of that despite it being my own most successful sport and my ticket to a nice college I would not have otherwise known about. I was not a lax bro.

I played D3 college lacrosse at a school expensive enough that the prep school lacrosse "Brantford Winstonworths" who could afford paying full tuition greatly outnumbered myself and the rest of the public school shmoes with federal assistance. Before college I had avoided these "lax bros" by attending a high school ghetto enough where nobody dared dressing or acting like those "bros" you see up top for fear of getting their asses kicked. However, I knew the bros existed from camps and summer leagues I attended out in the rich neighborhoods. After committing to college I was given the choice to "live with other lacrosse players" or not live with them. I knew without much thought that I couldn't share communal space with a lax bro, so I chose NO and took some crap for it at practice in the fall. The joke was on me, it seemed, since I was housed with two football players instead. But my roommates turned out to be smart, normal guys and I had a great couple of semesters as a result. For more information on what a "Lax bro" is and why I would avoid living with my teammates, keep reading.

A friend pointed me towards this video called The Ultimate Lax Bro which mocks the nature of most lacrosse players I've ever met. It's a little "inside" and not particularly funny, but that's because lacrosse bros are some of the worst human beings imaginable, so finding this video funny means you've had to endure their shenanigans. I feel like I made this video. Why didn't I?

Lax Bro Facts
Lax Bros look like the above picture: Fact (that's a real picture by the way, two real identical lax bros photographed in their natural habitat)
Lax Bros often have names like Brantford Winstonworth: Fact (my favorite is Xander Froworth)
They wear pastel colors when they go out to party: Fact
They bring their lacrosse stick almost everywhere: Fact
Wear their various practice jerseys everywhere: Fact
They have ridiculous hair and wear flat-billed hats: Fact
Flips flops?: 30 pairs
Wear "hey look at me" sunglasses, sometimes neon in color: Fact
Lax Bros love to "party": Fact
There's better than a 75% a lax bro went to prep school: Fact
Lax Bros, regardless of their skill, own multiple sticks: Fact
The list goes on...

*I am aware that native Americans technically "invented" lacrosse, but we're talking here about American lacrosse as it is experienced today. The indians never wore aviator sunglasses, and I'm pretty sure+ their games of lacrosse ended in death for the losing team.

+I'm not pretty sure at all.