Rules for Breakfast Day

Today is Friday. Friday is breakfast day. Friday = Breakfast Day. There is no exception to this rule. Here at my company you are placed onto a team which in turn places you on list of team members and the corresponding date on which they are required to bring breakfast for the entire team. Again, there are no exceptions. Every team has the list. Every team has breaksfast on Friday. Friday mornings smell like a glorious mix of coffee, pastry, and other baked goods. This is the goal of the week, making it to breakfast day. We are like rats on a wheel racing towards a zero goal, only on Friday someone places a carrot within our midst and we are happy. I'm assuming rats enjoy carrots.

Anyway, since most of us aren't far removed from college, we're normally too tired to eat breakfast in the morning or too broke to provide ourselves anything other than coffee (which is free). This explains why a day of free food (or free anything) is so important. In other words, don't eff it up!

You'd think breakfast would be an easy concept, but people can easily screw it up. One way to achieve this is to simply forget it was your turn, which to me is an unforgiveable sin. My trust in your breakfast bringing abilities once lost is lost forever. Deal with that. Sure you might bring it on Monday instead, but I planned for Friday. And don't you dare insult my intelligence by saying "well now you have free breakfast twice next week." That's ridiciulous logic.

The other way to screw up breakfast is somehow much more annoying. Here's the rule: Do not, under any circumstance, try to impress upon coworkers your pretentious knowledge of rare breakfast foods. It's not cool to make a breakfast quiche, okay? Keep it simple. Bagels are universal, as are donuts, waffles, granola, or even munchkins. Hell, I'll take a bowl of cereal if that's what you want to bring. Also, the breakfast is for everyone, that's understood, right? So let's say you grew up in Columbia and it was perfectly normal for your breakfast to be plantains and a packet of sugar. You may be tempted to share your culture with the team, but now is not the time. Save it for diversity week.

Thank you.